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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Overwhelmed

This might be the longest stretch of depression I've ever gone through.  When will this be over?  I am tired of crying.  I am trying to find joy in small places, like my funny dog who jumps up and down when I get home, or a delicious dinner.  But all the big things, they're crashing down on me and making me incredibly sad.  I am so glad I have my faith because without it, I'd be in an even darker place than I am now.

All I do is cry.

I am trying to do photos, but I don't even want to look in the camera.  My eyes speak volumes about my sadness.

Tried to do photos, I'm in my son's room.  It's not in my heart right now, sorry everyone.  Entire outfit is Lane Bryant, and really old too.  Like the pants are probably 8 years old, and the sweater has to be over 10.  Cheap Target flats and Target scarf which I think I finally got right.

I suppose I can finally discuss...even a small bit...about why I am so sad lately.

About two weeks ago, my daughter went to class (she's in college!  I'm so proud!) and never came home that night.  She's an adult, and doesn't have to ask my permission, however I do ask her to text me and let me know where she is just so I don't worry.  Safety measures are important.  I woke up on that Tuesday morning and there was no text and her room was empty.  I texted her and heard nothing, so I assumed she was sleeping.  I went to work.

All morning, my stomach felt weird.  It is just not like her to not text me.  So I asked my husband (he was home) to please run up to Burger King to make sure she made it to work.  He put me off for two hours, and for two hours I nagged the crap out of him until he finally drove up there.  And my suspicions were right...she was a no call, no show for work.  I knew instantly something was incredibly wrong.

I put a post on facebook looking for her.  It went viral.  Several hours later, someone found my daughter, alive but unconscious, in a park in Orange City, just a mile from my mom's house.  At that point, I had contacted the police already, was in the process of filing a missing persons report.  This angel called me, said she found my daughter, and then put her on the phone.  I was crying so hard I almost couldn't breathe.  I broke every law known to man driving to that park to get her.  She was so out of it, I took her to the hospital to be assessed, and it didn't get any better.  I found out that my daughter is addicted to pain medications, and had tried to take her own life.

I had no idea she was so unhappy.  She loved school, had friends, had access to a vehicle, healthcare, good food.  I had no idea how hard she was struggling, how sad she was.  And so she took off with friends, swallowed a handful of Xanax, shot up with Dilaudid, and waited to die.  I thank God, all she did was fall asleep in the woods.


This is what I posted on facebook, looking for my baby:



If anyone knows where Maddie is, please contact me. She has been missing since last night. We are filing a missing person report. She did attend classes last night at FTC in DeLand and has not been seen or heard from since then. She also didn't show up at work at the Burger King in Deltona for her Tuesday morning shift. This is not like her! She is 5 foot 8, has multiple tattoos and is probably wearing green scrubs.




At the hospital, she admitted that she had intended to die.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  She was Baker Acted, and sent to a behavior center in Jacksonville, about 2.5 hours north of me, where she spent 8 days receiving counseling, medication, and care that I obviously can't give her.

Can I tell you, I feel incredibly guilty about how well I slept once she was gone.  Knowing she was safe, where she couldn't hurt herself, gave me such relief.  But it's about to get worse.  I drove up to get her on a Tuesday afternoon (I have missed so much work due to this girl's actions, and it doesn't look very good, but my boss is very nice and is not saying anything bad, but I'm not looking forward to my review once it comes.), I went through her room and removed all drugs (I didn't find much, just birth control and vitamins) and set a very strict schedule for her.

Oh peeps.  She left.  She got a friend to take her back to Jacksonville two days after I missed work to get her!.  Because she met a guy while she was at the behavior center, she's "in love" and moving in with him.  And she's 20 years old, so I can't stop her.  Again, feeling like the wind is being knocked out of me.  What in the world happened?  Why is she making such poor decisions?  Am I a bad mom?  What did I do wrong?  Or am I clear from this mess, since she's an adult and I know I didn't raise her like this?

Mr. R says to let her go.  My brain is saying yes, this is a logical thing, she is 20 years old and can make her own choices.  My heart is saying ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!  She's a BABY!!!  And then I remember when I was her age, I was already married and she was my infant, so no, she is not a baby.  And I can't treat her that way.  And so...I'm letting go.  She texted me this morning begging me to drive to Jacksonville to bring her clothes and medications and I said no.  I reminded her that no one forced her to leave, that I'm not responsible for her actions, and that as an adult, she needs to plan better for herself because I'm not here to rescue her anymore.  It was so hard, my voice was shaking, but I didn't give in to her demands.  I am going to pack up a box I have and mail it to her, with some clothes and her medications and maybe some of her make up and hair stuff.  But I am indeed letting go.

Please pray for me as I am moving into a new kind of mothering, which is foreign to me.  I will no longer be hands on mothering, but mothering from a distance, which I've never done.  

This is us when I sprung her out of the behavior center.  Two days after this, she left.  
I still have 3 kids here; Bucket, Tiger and Des.  Des is moving out soon, she's getting an apartment with her partner near Tampa, and then it will just be me and these boys.  I have a feeling Tiger and his girlfriend (who is still in high school, so they're waiting for her to turn 18) will be moving to the west coast (that's Tampa to Floridians) by August, there is so much more opportunity over there.  So it will be just me and my Bucket.  Lots of transitioning here, please be patient with me!  I'm trying to grow up, too.  

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

My Problems Are Big, But My God Is Bigger

2016 has started off horribly for me.  I am just weary, down, sad.  I know I try to be chipper and friendly on here, but I just can't.

All 3 of my kiddos are in trouble, somehow.  I had a complete emotional breakdown last night where my poor sister had to spend hours keeping me from losing my fool mind.  I won't get into details, because they deserve privacy, But my life is a complete disaster, picking up after them, saving their tails, paying for stupid things they've done...and I'm tired.  I have two grown adults who need me as much as they did as toddlers, and a 17 year old child who will never grow up and be on his own.  He will always need me.  I prayed for years that he would be able to grow up, move out, get married, have a job...and reality crashed in on me and I know it's not going to happen.  I cried on my sister while she told me that I was a good mom, that I tried my hardest, that I gave up so much.  But it didn't make me feel any better.  I just cried, and cried, and cried.  Then I took a deep breath and cried again.

But I woke up this morning, and feel better.  The truth is, God gives us free will to make decisions for ourselves, and sometimes they're dumb decisions.  He loves me and I still do dumb things, too.  And I still love my kids, even though they are currently doing things that hurt me so bad it takes my breath away.

So I live another day.  I go to work.  I laugh with my coworkers.  I pitch in 6 bucks for Powerball, because why the heck not.  I pray.  I read my Bible.  I hug those kids even though they drive me up every wall known to man.  I do my laundry, sweep my floors, and make dinners.  I take the phone calls, answer the texts, play with the dogs, and I dream.  I dream in color.  In most of my dreams, I'm alone and I'm happy.  I live in a cute house by myself, and have a short hair cut, and drive a Fiat, and go to farm stands where I don't have to pick anything out based on what other people want.  If I want broccoli, I'm getting the damn broccoli.  Because no one matters but me.  I know it sounds selfish, but I literally jump into to bed at night so I can dream about my pretend life where I'm thinner, happier, eat what I want, have a great career, wear clothes I love, decorate the house the way I want, and drive the car I want.  I know it's escapism.  And I love it.

My next car will be a Fiat.  Oh yes.  I love them.


I like the car I have now, the Dodge Dart, but I got it because it was practical and my boys can comfortably sit in the back seat.  The Fiat will be when only Bucket lives at home.  So I dream about my tiny Fiat, which will have a car seat in the back for my chihuahua,  In my dreams, I change between having a leopard print sofa and a red one.  And I will have a place to do my make up, and get monthly massages and hair colorings.  Do I sound silly?  It's okay to be silly, I think.  I wake up pretty refreshed, and it's almost like playing Barbie Doll House, except I'm an overweight Barbie and I don't want a pink Corvette.  And definitely no Ken.

I am ready for bed...think I'm going to paint my imaginary bedroom navy blue and put stars on the ceiling.  There is no one to stop me...

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Just Living Life

It's a good thing I don't get paid to blog, because I would be so fired.
Sorry, peeps.  I see I lost 5 followers, oh well.  I'm finding it difficult to find anything to talk about.  I have to be very careful about what I post due to HIPAA.  And my outfits are boring, because I wear scrubs. I do still attend church, but I go by myself every week and no one is ever up to take my picture.  My husband...I think all he does is work, and me too.  In fact, I walked away from Jamberry on 12/31, and now have a second coding job working from home in the evenings.  Pay is ok, it's just extra to help us do some catching up.

We remodeled the kids bathroom, took in a homeless teen, my daughter started college, and I ran a 5K.  Well, I wobbled a 5K.  Running is still tedious to me.

Did this with my sister, who is grinning at me in this picture.  You can't even tell she did this with a 102 fever.  Of course, she was such a mess at the end I had to drive home in her car.  It's fine by me, she has a Fiat and I love driving her little car!  This is a Diva 5K, which we did in St. Augustine.  Tons of fun, but boy was I hurting after this. 

We were still smiling at Mile 1. 


We got tiaras, feather boas, tutus, and a real medal after surviving this.
And then we had Christmas.  It was low key this year.  Last year, I couldn't afford any gifts for my kids.  This year, I could...plus the extra young lady who is living with us.

Tiger, Missy, Bucket, and Miss D.  She's been living with us since October, and should be on her own by June.  She's living on my sofa.  I wish I had a more private space for her, but at the same time, I'm ready for her to get her own place.  She's ready too, the poor girl has no privacy living on the sofa.  Plus my living room is basically useless to me.  I try not to get stressed out over it, because if I was homeless, I would want someone to let me stay on their sofa, too.


Me and the hubs, Christmas Day.  He just had his 43rd birthday on Christmas Eve.  This is probably the warmest Christmas I have ever lived through.  It was 86 and I am wearing a summer dress and I'm barefoot.  I'm wearing a cardigan only because I was trying to avoid mosquitoes on my mom's porch.  Can you believe that.  MOSQUITOES!!!

Like almost everyone in America, my resolution this year is my health and my diet.  I am blessed in that I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any more either, and I got complacent about low carbing.  It's pretty tough for me because my office has sweets all the time and when I get bored, I wander into the kitchen and eat cookies.  It's ridiculous.  I know better!  Today I went to the meat market and got lots of great protein choices, went to the veggie stand and got great produce and I intend to make some lunches for me for the week.  This way of life and eating works for me, but I get lazy and don't go shopping and next thing I know, I'm in line at Chikfila or McDonalds.  Plus pizza...oh my word I love pizza so much but I make a low carb pizza which is so yummy it feels like I'm cheating.  I'm going to make one of those this week.  I love cheese, that's all I gotta say.

So for anyone who was hoping for a new outfit post, I'm sorry.  I literally just got rid of all my 1x and 2x clothing items because they're all too big, for the most part.  My closet consists of scrubs, tee shirts, work out pants, two pairs of Lane Bryant pants just in case I have a meeting at the corporate office, and maybe 5-10 dresses that still kinda fit.  It's boring, but I don't want to spend money on clothes right now.  I actually own three pairs of sneakers right now, can you believe that?  I also own T25, which is a crazy work out program that I believe tries to kill you.  I can't get through the 25 minutes yet, but I'm getting closer.

So, for anyone even still reading this, how are you?  Stop by and drop me a line!